The Office of Virginal Deflowerment
Interoffice memorandum
Date: 2nd September, 2017
From: John Justice Wheeler, Director
To: _____ ______, Special Agent
The following material has been classified Above Top Secret and approved for your eyes only.
The enclosed document was recovered from an underground Photoshop and knitting bunker in ________ and is part of an ongoing investigation into gross infringements of NDA and intellectual property theft regulations.
It is being made available to you on a strictly need to know basis so you may provide analysis, cross-referenced pattern checking and fashion advice on the contents, in accordance with Code Red, Ivory and Black security measures. It is vital we discover who is responsible for the offending material and we need to know the day before yesterday!
Background – The contents of the document appear to concern a shadowy online community, lead by a figure referred to only as JP, who I now believe to be Joel Peacock, a man who was previously under my command and who dropped off our radar sometime prior to The Event, earlier this year.
The group are thought to be responsible for a series of questionable knitwear and humour offences, several of which spawned smaller online communities, one of which is known to have given help and support to, and provided propaganda for, the criminal mastermind we have since identified as Chad Broxford.
I am giving you full access to Joel Peacock’s records and Facebook passwords, along with notes made by an OVD agent who previously infiltrated the group, identified here as “GT” for internal security reasons.
Pull your pants right up for this one, _____, you’ll need a good tight belt and an extra floppy fringe to tackle this one. It is vital you discover the identity of these rebel memers and prevent them re-establishing operations on a larger scale.
When you’ve completed your investigation, report only to me, trust nobody.
A word of warning; the last agent I put on this went into a coma for 27 years, lost the ability to dance and married a potato, so take all necessary precautions when dealing with the knitwear directly.
Good luck and let’s be careful out there.
Yours sincerely,
John Justice Wheeler.
********************************
The Woolhouse Boys
Known facts: Sometime around the start of 2017, images of ____ _______ _______ began appearing on various online groups, most notably a number of Facebook pages that were set up to celebrate Twin Peaks, the ’90s documentary series about the early work of the OVD in Northwest Washington state.
Initially these images featured small elements taken from original photographs of _______, mainly featuring his distinctive sweater design (verified – GT: Many of those first images seem to have been created by the same two or three operatives, although the later increase in output and range of styles would suggest new recruits were being inducted from quite early on, after the group’s emergence from the documentary’s long-dormant fan base) but it wasn’t long before full pictures of _______ were being Photoshopped into all manner of compromising positions.
Stated priority: Identity person or persons who make up the core of the group and take immediate action to apply C+D measures, in the hope that further incidents of memeification can be avoided.
*****
Analyst’s Introductory Remarks
From my initial investigation into the Woolhouse Boys group, it didn’t appear that a rigid hierarchical structure had been applied to the leadership; although it now seems likely, in the early stages at least, that only a handful of hardcore knitwear fanatics were spreading their particular form of unusually woolly, softly woven fundamentalism across the hidden web of Twin Peaks subcultures on social media.
The document appears to have been complied by someone identifying themselves simply as “The Weaver” and comprises a series of increasingly complex and surreal photo montages, primarily featuring images of ____ ________ _________ (henceforth referred to as “J” – GT) and/or his trademark striped sweater, circa 1953:
“When a few sweaterised pictures first began appearing on public Facebook groups such as Twin Peaks Logposting™™, it seemed like just another passing fad in the transitory world of memes and was judged to be worthy of observation but not enough of a threat to OVD security to warrant full operational status.
(Verified – GT. After maintaining a careful watch on their posts, I tentatively approached the group when the #WoolhouseBoys tag started being added to the strangely amusing, yet somehow disturbing photos of J and his garish garment. I, myself, actually posted a particularly controversial meme to gain their attention and trust, resulting in me being mentioned on a comment thread I stumbled upon a few days later. A reproduction of that initial foray into sweaterisation is included below)
Transcript of Facebook page comment thread, obtained from GT;
JP – “Does anyone know who ___ _____(GT) is?”
DJ – “No, why?”
JP – “He just posted a couple of sweater memes and we don’t have any mutual friends.”
GT – “Hello, are you talking about me?”
JP – “Hahaha, I didn’t know you could see this thread. Nice meme, by the way.”
GT – “Thanks. I just followed the #WoolhouseBoys tag to the page and hit the ‘join group’ button.”
JP – “That’s cool, ______ must have confirmed you, welcome to the Woolhouse.”
The induction of our agent into the inner sanctum of such a secretive group was undoubtedly a coup for the OVD, finally allowing us to monitor the increased output and improved quality of their creations at source.
Our main problem was the refusal of the leadership to divulge the motivation behind their work. All they would say was that it had originated on a long-forgotten Twitter discussion thread, allegedly surrounding leaked information about The Event, which was almost three months in the future at this point (verified – GT) and that they would reveal the inspiration for their project only after something they referred to as The Finale.
After only a relatively short period, the core members of the group, which now included our own agent (verified – GT) started to disseminate the sweaterised images more widely, opening a range of social media accounts, which we believe they used to recruit new members from around the world.
We have since managed to crack the security on this database of material, giving us unlimited access to their most potent memes and possibly enabling us to track down the renegade Photoshoppers who continue to evade detection by Operation Pine Weasel. Their clever use of jargon, code names and third party cutouts, however, often frustrates our efforts to infiltrate their membership any further;
– We have yet to determine the identity, for instance, of “The Salty One”, who seems to be a purveyor of the raw image files the group use to spread their woolly manifesto.
– Phrases such as “Innit”, “Sup Moon?”, “Feck” and “all the feels” have left our cryptologists baffled.
– Continued reference to someone called “Lynch”, who may well be the one pulling the strings
– A kind of dogma, often referred to as “TSHOTP”, occasionally causes minor divisions among the membership, generally during discussions orchestrated by the aforementioned “Salty One”.
– A secondary, ultra-classified sub-committee of the group, called Woolhouse Boys Secrets, which we have yet to crack remains a top priority.
– A cult that grew up around a man called “Chad” or, more frequently, “Fuck you, Chad”; followers of which have been adding the image of their hallowed leader to all manner of historical and classified material, in a bid to obscure his more sinister agenda, or so we believe.
These are just some of the mysteries confounding the investigation to date, despite the best efforts of our inside source to glean additional information on the core members and leadership. Further resources are required in order to carry out an in-depth analysis of the remaining material, as the sheer volume of memes is now far too large for one man to cope with.”
*****
The above entry is the only part of the document that contains any communication from “GT” before the agent disappeared; presumed to have been turned or captured by the group and indoctrinated into one or more of their arcane traditions.
*****
The Weaver continues:
“Following The Event, in May 2017, the visibility of The Woolhouse Boys and the size of their membership increased exponentially, to the extent that many contributors to the “Twin Peaks” exposé joined the group and even posted the highly contentious material on their own social networks.
Inside sources, close to some of these “celebrity” members, have been quoted as saying that the group is one of the friendliest, most intelligent and inclusive on the entire internet, but we feel that there is something deeper going on.”
Conclusion: The very real sense of community, the number of outrageous theories, the heated debates and the frankly ludicrous assertions which are so casually thrown around within the group is evidence enough that these people need to be identified, let alone the damage done by their apparently inexhaustible supply of increasingly brilliant dangerously subversive memes.
RETURN OF THE INTERNET NOBODY 