One liner Wednesday: Alternative dictionary.

Good morning, it’s time for a short and to the point alternative definition, ready?

“Analogy” – The study of assholes.

#1linerWeds

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Sticking my neck out.

I’ve had some bloody stupid injuries in my time, but the latest one is possibly the most inane and painful of all.

I had a pretty good weekend; I went to the fair with Audrey on Friday after stopping in at the pub for a quick pint; Rhonda managed to get Saturday evening off for a change so we went to the carnival for a wander round (until it rained); there was a Grand Prix on Sunday (Vettel crashed, Ha!), the sun came out and I spent the afternoon in the garden doing some writing.

All in all, a very pleasant few days.

Then I woke up yesterday and my neck felt like someone had hit the left side of it with a cricket bat while I was asleep.

Great, must have slept funny, (no, not “ha ha”) so I took a couple of ibuprofen and went to work.

By lunchtime I couldn’t turn my head to the left, or tilt it down, or reach out my left arm, or bend forward at all, without a MASSIVE bolt of pain shooting up into the base of my skull, like someone had attached jump leads to my neck.

After couple of hours of the pain getting progressively worse, I gave in. I called the doctor and got an appointment at the rapid access clinic half an hour later, leaving work while I could still move well enough to drive…

“So, what did you do to yourself this time.”

(Oh lucky me, it’s the same nurse who patched me up after the various chunks I’ve taken out of myself on previous occasions)

“I don’t know, honestly.”

*Examines badly inflamed and rock hard neck muscles*

“Ow!”

“Hmm, did you do anything over the weekend that might have injured it?”

“No! I honestly just sat in the garden yesterday, I didn’t do anything all weekend, I went to the fair with my daughter on Friday….”

“Go on any rides?”

“Yeah, the Bumper Cars…Ah.”

“Yep, you’ve got whiplash.”

“Oh for f…”

“I’ll give you some muscle relaxants, they’re valium.”

“Really? Oh, go on then. No work?”

“Oh no, they’ll make you very sleepy, you won’t be able to drive or work for a couple of days.”

“That’s a shame.”

“I bet. Now, you can only take three a day and stop taking them when you’re better, because they’re very addictive, ok?”

“Ok, got it.”

“But I’ll give you twenty eight, anyway, because you can always hang onto them, in case you need them in future.”

(Wait, what?)

“Um, ok. How long do they last?”

“About four hours.”

“Hahaha, no, how long do they keep for?”

“Ah, right, they’ll have an expiry date on them.”

And now I’m sat at home with neck muscles that feel like strips of teak, despite the fact I felt perfectly fine all weekend.

Having never had whiplash before, I’d never fully appreciated a) how painful it is, or b) the strange delayed action involved in its onset. I went on the dodgems (with Audrey driving, I might add) at about four o’clock on Friday afternoon and had no inkling there was anything wrong until first thing Monday morning

So, there you have it.

Whiplash.

On the bloody dodgems.
They’re going to love that at work.

It was a fun day out, though, and for those of you who enjoy watching unforseen injuries in action, here’s the video I shot whilst my neck was being primed to torture me three days later.

My favourite part is near the start, when Audrey notices the camera for the first time and her expression changes from fearsome concentration to a happy grin in one quick double-take.

Buckle up, it’s a bumpy ride!

K’lee and Dale’s Cosmic Photo Challenge.

Time for your Monday dose of photography, with K’lee and Dale’s Cosmic Photo Challenge, which I decided was going to be about; Fungi.

The days are already getting damper and darker earlier, perfect conditions for some of the more peculiar and bizarre of our local flora to thrive. Here are a few I captured, in all their alien-like glory.

You can see what K’lee brings to the party HERE, but now you can show us what fun-guys you really are…

*****

To get involved with the challenge, post a photo to your blog on Monday, add a pingback to this post (or to K’lee’s) and don’t forget to tag your post #CosPhoChal.
Alternatively, add a link to your blog in the comments of either mine or K’lee’s post and we’ll come and check out your entry.

Any and all effects, editing, Photoshop, Instagram, morphing, collages or whatever other post production techniques you fancy are permitted, (in fact, they’re actively encouraged!) so get creative and turn your photos into artworks for the Cosmic Photo Challenge.

#CosPhoChal

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: The Accumulator, part forty four.

Welcome to this week’s quick SoCS post, brought to you from the unexpected sunshine of our back garden and by Linda G Hill‘s insistence that we use the following prompt to continue this story;

” “vol.” Find a word with “vol” in it, and use it in your post. “

Fair enough…

The Accumulator, part forty four.

Scene: An unfurnished living room. Bare walls and a worn carpet are visible in the grey light which filters through grimy windows. Our view is from the back of the room, an open door in the front left corner leads into the hall.

The camera moves towards the doorway as we hear approaching footsteps outside and see three silhouettes pass by the window. The footsteps come to a halt and a key rattles in the lock, just as we move out into the hallway and see the front door open.

“Watch the step, I’ll get the lights, hang on…”

“No, leave the lights off.”

“Ok, have it your own way. Kitchen’s out the back, I’ll just go up and turn the heat on, it’s bloody freezing in here.”

Adam and Patrick continue down the hall to the rear of the small terraced house as Carlisle heads upstairs.

We follow them into the kitchen and see Patrick check the back door. Finding it locked, he draws the blind over the only window, turns on the light and lifts a bulging carrier bag onto the table

“Well at least we have electricity.”

Adam turns a tap and, after a few seconds of coughing noises, discoloured water splutters out and eventually runs clear into the sink.

“I’ll put the kettle on. You want coffee?”

“Yeah, may as well, we aren’t going to be getting much sleep.”

Carlisle walks in and puts a hand on a chipped and peeling enamel radiator under the window, nodding in satisfaction as it gurgles loudly.

“Should warm up a bit soon. I haven’t been here for a couple of years, it’s strictly for emergencies, but I keep all the utilities connected and paid up to date, because you never know…”

“No, you don’t, and you’re sure this place is secure?”

“As secure as we need it to be, yes. It might look a bit grotty, but there are webcams in every room and a silent alarm only I have the code for, which can only be deactivated by sending the code by mobile phone. It’s monitored around the clock and I can even turn up the volume on the cameras to check nobody can sneak up on me when I’m here.”

Carlisle grins and holds up his smartphone, which shows a black and white shot of the hall with the front door at the far end. Adam steps out of the the kitchen and looks up, waving his hand back and forth above the doorway as he watches the phone’s screen.

“You’ll see a small hole in the top of the door frame, barely noticeable unless you’re looking for it. Amazing what they can do with fibre optic cables these days, isn’t it?”

“Ok, so we can see them coming, but are we sure they are coming?”

Carlisle turns to Patrick and shrugs.

“Your guess is as good as mine. They disappeared pretty sharpish when they clocked us following them, so that worked out ok, it’s just a question of whether they managed to tail us afterwards. You gave them enough chances to catch up, assuming that actually was them behind us as we got back into town, so I’m hoping they have us under surveillance as we speak.”

Adam shakes his head and laughs.

“I can’t believe you sound so pleased about that, we may as well have sent out invitations, hahaha.”

“We’re never going to find her otherwise, she’s always too well guarded, that’s why I was so surprised when I saw her with you to start with. Scared the crap out of me, I don’t mind telling you, I thought it was some sort of trap they’d set for me, to test my loyalty.”

*****

[And that was the point at which, in a day filled with distractions and interruptions, life took over and I gave up writing, sorry, I shall pick it up from here at a later date]

************

To be continued (using next week’s prompt)…

#SoCS

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Cosmic Photo prompt.

It’s Friday, so it’s time to give you your prompt for next edition of K’lee and Dale’s Cosmic Photo Challenge.

The English “summer” continues to provide us with a constant supply of moisture which, if nothing else, makes the mushrooms and toadstools happy. I thought I’d use that to our advantage and make this week’s theme; Fungi, so get out in the woods, take a walk in the fields or scour the damp corners of your garden and we’ll have some photogenic fungal fun in Monday’s post.

*****

To get involved with the challenge, post a photo to your blog on Monday, add a pingback to this post (or to K’lee’s) and don’t forget to tag your post #CosPhoChal.

Alternatively, add a link to your blog in the comments of either mine or K’lee’s post and we’ll come and check out your entry.

Any and all effects, editing, Photoshop, Instagram, morphing, collages or whatever other post production techniques you fancy are permitted, (in fact, they’re actively encouraged!) so get creative and turn your photos into artworks for the Cosmic Photo Challenge.

#CosPhoChal

K’lee and Dale’s Cosmic Photo Challenge.

Good morning and welcome to another week, starting with your Monday dose of K’lee and Dale’s Cosmic Photo Challenge, today with a theme chosen by K’lee.

Now, his prompt was pretty enigmatic; A Clockwork’d Orange, meaning I had to stretch to find something apposite to post, but I think I found a little gem from the archives to meet the brief.

First of all, going with the most obvious inspiration, some photos that feature the colour orange…

…followed by the “Clockwork’d” part of the deal, hmm…

How about this little clip I made a few years ago, called Satsuma Rescue?

Ok, it’s not clockwork, exactly, but it’s stop motion and that has a similar feel, doesn’t it?

Anyway, see what you think.

(You may need to watch it twice, but keep your eye on the little fella, he’s going to give the final stranded piece of fruit a helping hand back into the bowl)

After you’ve looked at K’lee’s post, which is HERE when he’s ready, show us how you interpreted his mysterious prompt with your own offerings.

*****

To get involved with the challenge, post a photo to your blog on Monday, add a pingback to this post (or to K’lee’s) and don’t forget to tag your post #CosPhoChal.
Alternatively, add a link to your blog in the comments of either mine or K’lee’s post and we’ll come and check out your entry.

Any and all effects, editing, Photoshop, Instagram, morphing, collages or whatever other post production techniques you fancy are permitted, (in fact, they’re actively encouraged!) so get creative and turn your photos into artworks for the Cosmic Photo Challenge.

#CosPhoChal

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: The Accumulator, part forty three.

So, we’re back in fiction mode, after last week’s sojourn into geekdom, and today’s SoCS post continues this story using Linda G Hill‘s prompt;

” “motive.” Use the word “motive,” in any form, in your post. ”

Sounds reasonably simple, let’s go…

The Accumulator, part forty three.

Scene: A hospital maternity department. It is forty two years ago.

A man wearing a black trench coat and black leather gloves, holding a tightly furled umbrella, stands at an observation window and watches as a nurse enters the nursery and approaches a pair of cots which are separated from the others by a curtain.

She checks the charts on the end of each and turns to look at the man outside. He nods and the nurse moves to the left-hand cot, gently picks up the sleeping baby and, gathering the blankets around it, carries it out of the room and hurries after the man as he strides down the corridor and through the double doors.

The camera stays on the doors until they swing shut after the nurse, then slowly pans round to the observation window.

We move closer, until we are at the window, then the shot tightens on the only occupied cot behind the curtain and suddenly, by the magic of editing, we are directly above it, looking down at the baby, whose eyes are now open and staring straight back up at us.

And now we move closer, the shot tightening until the baby’s face, then just the eyes, then one, pale blue eye fills the screen. The director holds on this image for a couple of seconds, then the shot slowly widens, soon revealing that we’ve been tricked by another fancy bit of editing.

The blue eyes are now those of the woman who looks like Cathy and who is looking coldly at Dorn from across the desk.

“Judging from your report, it seems that this collection of thugs and criminals have managed to repeatedly outwit and evade your own department, several police forces here and in Europe, Interpol, Special Branch and the intelligence services, did I leave anyone out?”

“No, sir, I think you have the gist of it.” (he had only made the mistake of calling her ma’am once)

“And you understand my motive for wanting these dangerous terrorists brought to justice?”

“Yes, sir, I do, it was just unfortunate that…”

She doesn’t let him finish, her hand suddenly slams down on the desk, she fixes him with those icy blue eyes and speaks in a low, flat voice

“I want the man who murdered my sister, do you understand me? I don’t want to hear about mistakes or listen to excuses, I want you to find them and bring them to me.”

“Of course, I can only apologise for the delay. As I say, we have them now, they will be picked up this evening, a team has already been despatched.”

“Then I need not detain you any longer, unless there was something else…?”

“No, no, thank you, that’s all.”

Dorn stands up and nods respectfully to the woman, who has looked down at a file on her desk and seems unaware of his continued presence. He retraces his steps across the room to the door, which the guard already has open for him and steps out into the concrete hallway. The heavy steel door clangs shut behind him and he lets out a sigh before glancing at his watch and heading for the door at the far end of the corridor and his waiting driver.

“With any luck, I might even make it in time for the end of the shoot…”

************

To be continued (using next week’s prompt)…

Pingback to Linda G Hill

Cosmic Photo prompt.

Ok, it’s time for your weekly nudge in the direction of Monday’s K’lee and Dale’s Cosmic Photo Challenge, which is themed by K’lee today (oh alright, yesterday) and he’s come up with a very esoteric prompt; A Clockwork’d Orange.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking “What the…?” but that’s just the way we like it, here at the cosmic photo challenge, we like something that makes you think.

So get your thinking caps on, keep your eye out for inspiration this weekend and wow us with your artistic interpretation on Monday morning.

*****

To get involved with the challenge, post a photo to your blog on Monday, add a pingback to this post (or to K’lee’s) and don’t forget to tag your post #CosPhoChal.

Alternatively, add a link to your blog in the comments of either mine or K’lee’s post and we’ll come and check out your entry.

Any and all effects, editing, Photoshop, Instagram, morphing, collages or whatever other post production techniques you fancy are permitted, (in fact, they’re actively encouraged!) so get creative and turn your photos into artworks for the Cosmic Photo Challenge.

#CosPhoChal

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